October 1st

October 1st

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It’s the first of October in the year 2018.

First of a new month. Writing month, business month, calendar month.

It’s breast cancer month. Pink belts at the dojo.

The tenth month of the year, the tenth month of my 48th year, although that really started a couple of days ago. My birthday doesn’t exactly match up with the calendar, but with a birthday on the third last day of the year it gets close.

I am more and more reflective lately.

I’m also more and more exhausted lately.

And I’m more and more angry lately.

The reflective is probably due to being comfortably ensconced in middle-age, and I have to think about all of my choices, all of their effects, and the best path forward to leave things better for my children and grandchildren.

The exhausted is almost entirely due to my job, and I still want to say new job. I’m trying hard to be all things everyone, but there’s so much to catch up on, so much to do, so much that’s been ignored in the past. My wife is being very understanding, and we have had worse working situations during our marriage, but there are limits. If we’re not approaching one, we should be. I need to have a life too and this job is interfering with it too much so far. I think that will change eventually. I just need a few more months to catch up and get even.

And the angry? The angry has a lot of sources, and some of those will tie back into the reflection. What can I do? What can I recently hope to accomplish? How can I make a difference?

There are too many problems, there is too much wrong, and there are too many people with their heads in the sand.

I’m angry because I believe in a Star Trek future, positive, growing, maturing, inclusive. I’m angry because not enough other people seem to believe in that future at the moment. Our society seems to breed selfishness and self-centeredness and a complete lack of respect for other people, other creatures, and the world around us. Fuck them all, only I matter.

How do you fight that? How do you fight the selfishness, self-centeredness, the refusal to see the real world, the bread and circuses?

The problem is, I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. I don’t know if I will ever have an answer. But we really, really need one.

Actually, we really, really need a whole lot of answers.

I have a lot of things I think will help, but there’s so much momentum to work against. It’s frustrating that the most I seem to be able to do is set a positive example, because I don’t think it’s nearly enough.

Be well, everyone.

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