When you have to grieve for more than one person at a time or when you have to start grieving for someone else before you’ve properly built a new normal for yourself, it can build up fast.
In a little less than four years, I’ve lost ten family members, five pets, and three beloved icons from my childhood. If I look at the last five years, each of those numbers goes up by one.
Two of those family members were my parents. I wasn’t super close to most of the rest in recent years, but there were times in my life when I was to most of them. A couple of them were absences I didn’t realize I was feeling until there was no chance of it changing.
Two of the pets came to us as seniors, and having them spend less time with us doesn’t matter to the grief felt when they’ve gone.
The childhood icons will be mostly obvious to the people who know me well, and potentially guessable to people who know me even in passing.
Mom and Dad are the only ones I’ve really talked about here. Dad has been tougher to process than Mom was because I had far less time to prepare and I’ve had far more to deal with since. But I feel both of their absences keenly. (And I say, “than Mom was,” like I’ve at all finished processing her loss.)
Two of the pets have been since Dad. One was expected but sudden and one was not expected anytime soon. Both of those were harder than they might have been on their own because they were so close together.
Two of the childhood icons have also been since Dad. These are not at all on the same level, but I think most of us has a small collection of public figures, actors, musicians, writers, and so on, who we consider fundamental to how we built our worldview. These felt like extra gut punches.
I have days where I can’t seem to focus and days where I’m firing on all thrusters. I also have days when I’m not firing on all thrusters or if I am, they’re all pointed in different directions so I don’t really accomplish much of anything.
In the earlier parts of this year, I joked now and then, trying to keep my mood up, that my life was like a bad Russian novel and I really just needed to go six months without someone dying or going into the hospital for a serious issue.
I still need that.
But I’m working on adapting.
Be well, everyone. And be kind to yourselves.
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